The Way of the Satisfied Woman: Ditching the Hustle & Embracing Feminine Energy with Alanna Kaivalya

[00:00:01] Alanna: Satisfaction is a feeling. It's a feeling. It's not a key performance indicator. It's not a benchmark. There is definitely a masculine pathway to success that we've all been sold as the only pathway to success. But what do we have on the feminine side? We've got abundance. We have the ability to create something from almost nothing. What matters to me is that whatever you're choosing, number one, that you get to. You get to choose. And number two, that it brings you satisfaction on your terms, not theirs-- your terms. This yes is killing us. It's leading us to burnout. It's draining us of our resources. It's disconnecting us from our femininity, and it's keeping us in a diminished state so that we can't actually access our power. So I want to invite no, just no, no to protect your energy

[00:01:07] Kate: Hey, there. Welcome back to Rawish with Kate Eckman. Really special episode for you here today. We're going to talk about a theme and a concept that always seems to be on the top of my mind, but not in this way. And it is the theme of being a satisfied woman and really embracing our femininity. And if you are a man, I love all of my male viewers and YouTube watchers.

[00:01:32] This show is also for you because I know that you have a woman in your life. And this is not about gender. This is about feminine and masculine qualities. And all of us, regardless of gender, have both. And it's really helpful to dive into those so we know how to play them up, tone them up, dial them down at times, and really embrace all of us.

[00:01:52] I even do whole person coaching techniques as part of my practice. And so we're really going to get into the heart and soul of what all of this even means. And we all keep achieving these goals, and it's all about accomplishments. And yet, regardless of gender, many of us don't feel satisfied or satisfied for a few minutes. And then it's onto the next thing and the next thing.

[00:02:15] So here to really break it all down for us is author, psychologist, gosh, an expert on mythology, spirituality. She's a thought leader. She's just a magical unicorn and fellow New World Library author, Alanna Kaivalya. She's a PhD, and I'm so honored to have her here today on Rawish. Thank you so much for being here.

[00:02:37] Alanna: It's absolutely my pleasure, Kate. I'm really thrilled to be here today to talk to you and to share all of this with your audience.

[00:02:43] Kate: Thank you so much, and I feel like I just gave such a mouthful there because I was, reading through more of your book last night, having a solo sushi date with myself here in Los Angeles, and your book is so beautiful, The Way of the Satisfied Woman. And I was saying to you before we hit Record, I was thinking, what a concept.

[00:03:03] I rarely hear about women being satisfied or feeling satisfied because I think it's ingrained to us and we are taught that we are never enough. Even if we do all the things and look beautiful while doing it, it's still not good enough according to someone. And usually that's someone is ourselves. What is going on with all of that?

[00:03:26] Alanna: First off, look, you are not alone. We are not alone. The reason that I can write a book like this is because that idea is pervasively true, and we ourselves, as women buy into it because it's part of our cultural indoctrination. We're taught from a very early age that our value as a young girl, as a young lady, is in how much we give ourselves away, and that we are only really safe in as much as we can do something for someone else.

[00:03:54] So we're taught to just be constantly drained. We're taught to overachieve. We're constantly kept on our back foot and at a disadvantage because we don't have the idea that we could just be enough, that we are enough, that we don't have to do all of these things.

[00:04:11] We believe the narrative that to be a woman is to have to do everything for all things at all times, for all people, including ourselves without fail. And if we don't do all of that, we are failing. And that's a heavy burden for all of us to bear. But it's on all of our shoulders right now.

[00:04:29] Kate: And I think there's a lot of even female-on-female crime because-- and this is not against men either. I think there's so many things that are unhelpful, if you will, where it's pitting women against women. It's pitting women against men. It's pitting one sexuality against the other, and it's unhelpful.

[00:04:49] And so I love your book. We're not doing any of that. And you make that clear from the beginning. And even this episode really is for everyone. And I think it's important, even if it was a show just on a men's issue or a woman's issue, we're also interconnected and we relate with each other every day.

[00:05:05] There's marriages. There's children. There's business partnerships. We all need to come together, and I think we come together when we can get our masculine and feminine energies working together harmoniously. But first we have to understand what does that even mean?

[00:05:20] Alanna: Yeah, it's true. I want to just speak quickly to the point that you made that we're all battling each other. And I don't want to leave that there because what I definitely don't want listeners to think is that anyone is to blame, really, or that anybody needs to be against each other, or that there's anything really wrong with any person-- there's not.

[00:05:39] Everyone is valid. Everyone is awesomely okay. What we're up against is a lot of cultural narrative. It's essentially the patriarchy. And as much as I'm not a fan of outsourcing blame, because I know that we need to do our own work, I want us to recognize that we live in a culture that has been designed to do this to us, to put us against one another, to isolate us.

[00:06:01] The reason why women think we're competition with each other is because keeping us isolated is a way to maintain power over. We learn that in cult systems where the fastest ways that cult systems gain power and influence over their followers is by isolating their followers.

[00:06:16] So anytime a person feels alone or that they have to do it themselves, that their value is in how much they can do on their own without the help of anybody else, they immediately start to see everyone else as the enemy or competition. And so I think that we can just give all of us a little bit of grace.

[00:06:32] Now, we've grown up in this patriarchal narrative that says it's a DIY culture. The individual is the key to success. That women are always going to be a little bit, at a disadvantage to men generally. And that kind of thinking is isolationist. It makes us feel alone.

[00:06:49] And the reality is that we are relational beings. We are hardwired to be in community, in collaboration, in connection, in relationship. That's how human have evolved this far. That's how we've gotten to where we've gotten. So we're all here to be interdependent and we all have a bit of an upward battle to try and just overcome some of the narratives that we've all been growing up in and raised in.

[00:07:16] Kate: Yeah. And there's a spiritual practice that says we teach what we need to learn. And you're this brilliant woman going about your journey, and you can write and talk about anything. And congratulations, first of all. I just want to acknowledge anyone who gets a book deal, especially in this day and age, has achieved a certain level of success, and you're an expert in what you do.

[00:07:36] And so I want to honor that woman to woman. I don't have children, so I feel like my guests and my friends, you guys come on the show and I'm just like, I'm so proud of you. Because I know how much work it takes. And so I just want to honor that.

[00:07:49] But of anything that you can write about, you chose to write the way of the satisfied woman. So if you would share, I would love to know what was going on within you and around you that you said, "I need to take on this topic."

[00:08:04] Alanna: Yeah. So I come from a background of Eastern spirituality, yoga, spirituality. That's where I spent 15 to 20 years of a career in. And it was through that that I started to learn about femininity and masculinity and how it is portrayed in Eastern thought, but then also in Western thought. And there was something about that really came alive for me almost 20 years ago, and I've been teaching about it ever since.

[00:08:29] But one of the things that happened as I was building that career was that I bought into the narrative and I became the overachieving, incredibly successful, single woman who even changed her last name. The word Kaivalya is actually a Sanskrit word, and it means alone.

[00:08:49] Kate: Oh my God.

[00:08:50] Alanna: It means the power of aloneness. And I learned from a very early age that the only person you can count on is yourself. And boy did I run that narrative right into the ground and made it so true for me. And I created a business that was wildly successful. It was multi-seven figures at one point. I had a couple of dozen people working for me.

[00:09:11] I had achieved outwardly what people thought of as successful. I had gotten married to a very accomplished man, who was a lawyer at the time. I lived in New York City. And I can't tell you, Kate, how incredibly unhappy I was, how inauthentic I felt, how alone I felt because I had been putting on this armor of masculinity because that's what we're taught to do.

[00:09:35] Everything about being a feminine woman is diminished, dismissed, and devalued. So even though I am a very creative person, I'm a very emotional person, I'm a very intuitive person, we're taught to center logical thinking, rational thought, DIY, success at all costs, make all of the decisions, forge your own trail, and do everything for yourself and everybody else.

[00:10:00] And boy did I. And I ended up marrying the wrong man. So I was firmly in my own masculine, which meant that what I attracted was a man in his feminine, and particularly his wounded feminine. So I started playing the mommy role in that particular relationship. And obviously, that's not true to me.

[00:10:19] That's not what I wanted. It's just the armor that I was putting on for the world. I grew this business in such a way that didn't feel right to me. Even though I believed in the work, the way that I was doing it wasn't true to my femininity. Rather than being collaborative and communicative and communal and all of that, in the end, it became very hierarchical and cutthroat.

[00:10:39] It wasn't what I wanted it to be. And so I slashed and burned. I got to the point where there was something about all of this, the success, that wasn't satisfying. It wasn't who I was. It wasn't what I needed, and it was creating a lot of unhappiness, burnout. So I sold the business. I moved out of New York City. I got a divorce.

[00:11:00] Then the pandemic happened and I decided to take a hard right. And I said to the world, "You know what? We're not--" The most important thing that I have to say has nothing to do with yoga anymore. And even though I've built my career on that, even though everybody knew me as that, I was like, "Guys, this is not what people need right now."

[00:11:18] And so I started writing about this and teaching about this, and it just so happened that it came out last November. And boy do I thank the serendipity of the universe not for forcing me, but for guiding me to this path right now. Because I think that more than ever, women need this.

[00:11:36] Kate: Thank you for sharing all of that. That was beautiful. I could relate to a lot of it, and I think a theme that comes up for me is that we think, well, that's just how it is. Or this must be as good as it gets. Or I should be grateful and happy, and it's too much work to start over. Or what will people think, or what will they say?

[00:11:58] And what about the money? And what about the bills? And I want to say all these things because I think sometimes people hear a brilliant woman like yourself say something like you just did and think, oh, or okay, that's her story. But I also think people resonate with at least one thing that you said, but then think, but if I take action, I have to get a divorce. I have to leave my city. I have to have all these disruptions.

[00:12:21] And I think a lot of fear comes up. And then you're also talking about worldly fears that we're all experiencing. And if you're not, I feel for you and I worry about you more than anyone because if you aren't a little alarmed or disturbed by something going on in the world right now, you're probably not listening to me or my show.

[00:12:41] But, oh gosh, there's still hope and we're here for you. But I want to talk about maybe that moment, or for someone who's listening, and they know-- especially if you're a woman and you have that intuition, you know you've got to make a big change here.

[00:12:55] What can you offer people or just a little baby step that maybe you took or you had that moment where you got the whispers and then it was like that, shoved down the stairs where you're like, "Okay, I have to take action?"

[00:13:06] Alanna: One of the things that makes feminine women most powerful, one of our greatest strengths is our intuition. It's what we have. We have intuition. We have emotional depth. We have creativity. We have joy, pleasure. We have communion. We have connection. We have empathy.

[00:13:25] We have a lot of qualities that are powerful for us. But if I had to dial it down to one, it is this sense of intuition, which I think of as the voice of your foremothers coming through history and time to speak just to you.

[00:13:41] And one of the things that I think that we actually have an advantage of right now, Kate, is that right now women, even though we are still disadvantaged, even though we do still have an uphill battle, we have more choices, opportunities, and agency now than we have ever had in the history of the world. Up until 1988, a woman could not get her own bank account without a male co-signer. That's in my lifetime.

[00:14:07] Kate: Yeah.

[00:14:07] Alanna: There are things that my mother couldn't do that I now can. So we have choices, we have the opportunity, and I guarantee you, every woman listening, your foremothers had it much, much worse. Whatever their story was, it was much harder. And their wisdom comes through you as intuition.

[00:14:25] And when you hear it speaking, you need to listen because no one has ever been served from not listening to their intuition. And I know it's going to be hard, and I know it might not make sense, and it might go against your intuition, and it might go against the cultural narrative.

[00:14:40] It might go against your family narrative. It might rock the boat. It might feel scary. I get it. All of those things may be true, but nothing is going to be more true than your intuition. Now, I understand that hearing that many women are going to go like, "Of course, I would love to listen to my intuition, but--"

[00:14:57] All right, so let me give you a baby step. And the baby step is the power of no. Because one of the things that this culture has tricked us into is that women always need to say yes. Hey, mom. Can you drive me to my fourth soccer practice this week? Of course, honey. Hey, can you make sure and get up at 5:00 AM in the morning, even though you worked all day to take me to the airport? Yeah, of course.

[00:15:20] Hey, can you push that deadline up and get more done over the weekend, even though you said you were going to be off? Absolutely. So this yes is killing us. It's leading us to burnout. It's draining us of our resources. It's disconnecting us from our femininity, and it's keeping us in a diminished state so that we can't actually access our power.

[00:15:42] So I want to invite no. Just no to protect your energy. No to protect your time, because what also "no" does is it allows the other people in your life to step up. And they won't if you keep doing everything for them. So even that might sound scary, but that feels a little more accessible sometimes to me to offer, like, please just say no. To the thing that you feel is going to drain your energy, just say no. Just start there.

[00:16:10] Kate: And I think it's hard for some of us to say no because we were raised to be "nice." Be nice. Even to this day, I won't say my age, but I'm not 15, and even my mother to this day is still like, "Be nice." Someone mistreats me and I call them out on it in a not nice voice, it's like, be nice.

[00:16:29] And it's almost how or why do you have the audacity to speak up, to stand up? And I'm finding myself doing this to relatives. And even I had an aunt recently who did not acknowledge the terror that I went through surviving the LA fires. And I was in the line of fire and I evacuated, and I'm still recovering from it.

[00:16:51] Did not acknowledge it. No text. Okay, fine. Her choice. But then two days ago, a month after the fact, sends me a text essentially mocking natural disasters in California, because then we just had the mudslides, as you know. And maybe even a year ago I would've said nothing. Or she said something like, "All we can do is laugh."

[00:17:13] And she's in the Midwest. And I think in the past, I would've been like, oh, ha, or maybe no response. And this time I felt very ferocious and said, "None of this is funny." I called her. I said, "You didn't reach out to me." Anyway, without going on and on, I called her out and it felt really good to speak my truth, say no, and stand up for myself.

[00:17:33] And there was some lingering guilt. I could feel her judgment from miles away. And so I think I could use some help and maybe others could use some help. Those of us who are saying no, those of us who are standing up and speaking out and saying, not on my watch, absolutely not, but then there's some of that guilt or fear that we won't be liked, that we won't have relationships with family members any longer, that we may lose a client, or whatever.

[00:18:00] We may lose our marriage. I would just love some comfort around that. And I'm always happy taking one for the team and putting all my stuff out there because whatever I just said, someone has a similar story with a similar person.

[00:18:14] Alanna: Of course. And Kate, I apologize. And when you said you were from LA as well, that was tough. And for those who weren't in the line of fire, so my heart goes out to you. So first things first, there. Couple of things.

[00:18:33] Kate: I just gave you a lot. I'm waiting for the--

[00:18:35] Alanna: I know. I have a little filing cabinet going on here. Okay, I want to address this, I want to address this, I want to address this. Number one, we really all just need to give each other a bunch of grace because we were all raised in this narrative and this patriarchy, and even women believe a lot of the things that we've been told, and it's "worked" for us and kept us safe to some extent.

[00:18:56] I don't think to an authentic extent, but I chalk it up to what I call improper training. No one was pulled aside in early childhood and said, here are the energies of the psyche. They are masculine and feminine. We all have them. Here's masculinity at its finest. Here's femininity at its finest. Okay, now go.

[00:19:15] Nobody knows. And so we've all got this very distorted view of what it means to be a woman or what it means to be a man. And unless someone jumps in and writes a book or gives us some training or shows us a different way, we just don't know. So I think first off, just giving everybody a little bit of grace, like, they're not going to automatically recognize the way of the feminine woman or what satisfaction looks like.

[00:19:40] They're not automatically going to be comfortable with it. So for you to challenge your aunt in that way, I applaud you because, number one, that's incredibly brave. But number two, that's incredibly feminine. The feminine is fierce. It is ferocious. It is not meek or mild. Look at mother nature. We are not-- can I swear on this show?

[00:20:01] Kate: Absolutely.

[00:20:02] Alanna: You are not fucking wallflowers. We were never designed to be that way. And if you look at history, it is the feminine that forces change. The feminine is who speaks up first. This is why we were burnt at the stake, because the patriarchy and power doesn't want to change.

[00:20:22] So it keeps us small, it keeps us meek, it tells us we're cute if we smile. We're better off if we're quiet. And that goes against our nature, and our nature is wild and fierce, and we are truth seekers. Now, Kate, and every woman listening, you know how you feel when something doesn't feel right. That shit doesn't go away.

[00:20:45] You don't feel right if something's off, if something doesn't feel true for you. If something feels like it's uncomfortable, it's this little itch. It's this little nag on the inside and you start to question it. Questioning is feminine-- questioning the status quo. Because the masculine-- look, this is actually a really good quality of the masculine.

[00:21:04] The masculine gets things done. The masculine leads the charge. The masculine is incredibly capable at picking a direction and going full force to the finish line. And we need that energy a lot of the time. But sometimes that finish line needs to shift. Sometimes that trajectory needs to change.

[00:21:23] Now, I'm a sailor and I know that I have to work with nature to get to my destination. It's not always going to be a straight line. Sailors have known that for thousands of years. Sometimes you got to tuck back and forth to get to your final destination. Women have known that for our entire existence. The way is not linear.

[00:21:45] But this power over that the patriarchy is so focused on forces a direction that sometimes doesn't feel right. So when things don't feel right to you and you speak up, you are doing your best as a feminine woman, and you are doing it right. One of the things I recommend in the book actually is a heavy curation of your friends, family, places, spaces that you occupy.

[00:22:08] It is okay to fire your friends. It is okay to say goodbye to toxic relationships, to jobs that don't work for you in as much as you can. I realize you can't fire all your family members, but you can limit time with them. You can create stronger boundaries. Because if they don't honor who you are, if they don't take care of you, if they don't cherish your emotions and your intuition, if they don't listen to what you have to say, you give them an opportunity to shift. And if they don't, they have shown you who they are and believe them.

[00:22:44] Kate: That felt just like my little free therapy session, so thank you. I hope everybody else got something from that.

[00:22:50] Alanna: Sure.

[00:22:50] Kate: A takeaway I had from that is-- and thank you for this because it helps me own it and not judge myself, is speaking up and being fierce and wild, which I'm a pro at, is feminine. And I have to tell you, Alanna, when I speak up for myself in that way, I always say, "Ugh, if I were a man, everyone would applaud and be like, he's so fierce and ferocious. What a leader." But as a woman, I can feel and hear people, men and women, like, what a bitch. Or, she's difficult. Or we want to call you crazy, and you talk about these terms in the book. Or it's like, how dare she? Or who does think she is?

[00:23:30] Alanna: Oh, Kate, God forbid you should get emotional because then what are you? You're crazy. Or, are you getting your period? I don't know a single woman on this entire planet who hasn't been called crazy by someone who loves her when she has an emotional reaction or a connection to her emotions. There is so much. And again, it's improper training.

[00:23:52] It's improper training because women are ferocious and we do speak up. We do question. But because that changes the status quo, because it challenges the power structure, we've been taught to diminish it, to miss it, and devalue it. Doesn't mean it's not important.

[00:24:07] So one of the reasons why part of the work that I'm doing is bringing women together, creating community, a safe space for us to speak up and question and talk about these things. Because when we do it, it's not always going to have a positive reaction.

[00:24:26] Not everyone is going to be prepared for it, and so it requires some bravery. Look, we have to. If we want to change the world, not only for ourselves, but for all of the women who come after us, unfortunately more work is required. Look, I am so tired of all the emotional labor that this world is asking of us.

[00:24:42] And I get it. I get it. But as women, we're great [Inaudible]. We're excellent communicators. We're tapped into our emotions. We're the canaries in the coal mine. When something is wrong, we feel it first. We want to inspire change. We want the world to change around us, and we're at a better position now than ever to create that change.

[00:25:00] So calling forth that bravery, supporting one another in crafting lives of our own that are satisfied, showing other women the path of what satisfaction is, it's a tremendous responsibility and it is ours.

[00:25:15] Kate: And when we feel overwhelmed and exhausted, which is those of us who have careers. And it's so interesting because there's this dichotomy happening with me right now where I am leaning more into my feminine and understanding what that is, which I'm like, "Oh yeah, when I'm being fierce, that's feminine, that's not--

[00:25:33] Alanna: That's masculine. Yeah.

[00:25:34] Kate: And so I'm feeling now more than ever called to two things. One, to do less and flow more and receive more. And because of the state of the world, it's now this sense of urgency like, I got to make a lot of money and I got to make it fast to protect myself.

[00:25:53] Even something simple as, so I can buy the really expensive groceries that aren't filled with seed oils that are destroying my body or clean water, the 500-dollar filter so I'm not drinking poison or whatever. Those are just two examples. So it's this constant balance that-- right?

[00:26:13] Alanna: Yeah, It is. I want to affirm that all of those things are actually very feminine and there doesn't need to be tension in them. I think if I'm hearing it, and you can correct me if I didn't hear this right, the concept of making money and being ultra successful feels masculine. It's not.

[00:26:29] They don't own money or success. The way that they get there and how they do it, that pathway, yeah, there is definitely a masculine pathway to success that we've all been sold as the only pathway to success. But what do we have on the feminine side? We've got abundance. We have abundance.

[00:26:50] We have the ability to create something from almost nothing, every woman. Whether we do it through procreation, whether we do it through entrepreneurship in small business, whether we do it through ideas. That's ours. And to be in that flow of abundance, which includes a ton of money, or can, is uniquely feminine.

[00:27:13] Now, abundance for the feminine comes from a place of safety, security, trust, and cherishing. That's how we get that abundance. So we need to affirm those four things first. But it's ours. We can have all the things we want, success for the feminine woman. It's just going to have a slightly different pathway, but it's definitely ours.

[00:27:33] Kate: Do you ever want to judge-- I do. And I'll admit that. Again, this is Rawish. I've got nothing to hide. Here we go. I will say I still judge the women who choose not to work maybe because I'm in Los Angeles too. The women who choose to look a certain way that you can tell the only thing they value or think they have to offer the world is what they look like and are out to just attract a man-- and not any man, a very wealthy man-- to pay for everything so that they can wear designer things and vacation on yachts in their bikinis and so forth.

[00:28:13] And I think I'm judging that because our ancestors work so hard for equality. And I know your book is even more than equality. And women like you and I who choose to have advanced degrees and are highly educated have worked our butts off to be able to provide for ourself. If we have a partner and we're a power couple, great.

[00:28:32] If we are single and doing it alone, great. It's not about relationship status. It's just about the power to stand on your own two feet, the power to want to contribute to the world to help make it better. And when I see so many women behaving the opposite, I do judge a little and I get a little frustrated, not because I want that. I don't want that. But it's like, come on, ladies.

[00:28:56] Alanna: Look, I get it. Trust me, I would love nothing more than to relax on my couch and eat bonbons all day. It is a tough question because I understand. I'm incredibly ambitious. I've built a business. I'm building another one. I've written books. I do have a higher degree. I have a pretty strong work ethic. That comes from my grandparents. My grandparents were immigrants and they instilled that in me.

[00:29:20] I think what I want to affirm for every woman, regardless of how she is getting through her day, is that one of the key traits of femininity is receptivity, the ability to receive. Now, I don't think that means the ability to have everyone do everything for you, but it does mean to attract those who will support you, who will cherish you, who will honor you, who will step up to the plate and protect your energy in such a way that you can access your creativity, which perhaps is your entrepreneurship.

[00:29:52] That you can access your sense of abundance, which perhaps is the ability to make money, which helps you access your joy, your pleasure, which ultimately brings joy and pleasure to others. And I know for myself that having grown up in the way that I did, where I was taught, Alanna, you can be anything you want, and also you should.

[00:30:14] Alanna, you can do anything you want, and also you shouldn't do it all. Alanna, let no one keep you down, but when they do, work even harder to overcome it. And I believed all that and I did all that, and I get a little jealous. I wouldn't say, judgy, but like jealous. Like, wow, how come I had to work so hard?

[00:30:31] And some other people just have this ability to draw in these resources all the time. Maybe we can shift it a little bit and just learn that in general, women don't have to do so much. And when we overdo for everyone else, we actually take away their ability to not only do for themselves, but to support us and to support someone else, and especially, to support a woman in flourishing and finding her own power and grayness in the world, that's a gift for everybody. So if we just keep doing everything for everybody, we're denying them that opportunity. And I'd say we can all do a little bit less and it's actually going to be more beneficial for everybody.

[00:31:10] Kate: This is why I love your book, your work, and these conversations, because thank you for that insight. And then as you're talking, I'm having a bunch of downloads and insights. One is, first of all, leading by example and being a satisfied woman. And I want to talk a little more about what exactly that entails.

[00:31:29] And looking around, and that reminder, I just saw the image of Seabiscuit, the racehorse with the blinders on. And I only bring that up because I do hear a lot of people. There's even this division, within women and who's doing what, working, not working. Mothers, not mothers. Married, not married, whatever.

[00:31:46] And we do all need to come together. And I think just looking at certain people, you're like, "Gosh, why did I have to work so hard or do work so hard and these people have just handed to them?" But then again, resources aside, is this person satisfied? And you and I have both been in a place of a achieving a lot, making a lot of money, and we weren't really satisfied.

[00:32:06] And then I had people say to me all the time, your life looks perfect. Your life looks this. And they don't see or know that I'm sitting at home crying a lot because of X, Y, Z. And later today I'll be working with my trauma therapist, and it's one of my favorite things that I do to invest in myself. But then people are like, "Trauma? What's going on there?" We all have trauma, by the way, so I just want to get that out of the way.

[00:32:27] Alanna: Yes, we do. Especially if we're women.

[00:32:29] Kate: Thank you. I think it just goes back to really, for me and you, leading by example of what it even means to be not just a successful woman, but a satisfied woman and having that be more of the conversation. And then, like you said, extending grace and compassion to these women.

[00:32:47] I think another thing that, again, I've been working through, and when I think of those women, it's, we can't want more for people than they want for themselves. And I think when I look at them, it's not so judgy, like, ah, look at them. It's more like, ladies, there's so much more for you.

[00:33:04] And I know somewhere in you believe that too. But then I say to myself, this is a thing for me that's been really hard, Alanna, is that I want so much for everybody and I'm a deep empath and I'm a humanitarian and I'm learning that so many people don't want that for themselves.

[00:33:22] And having to release that and just, again, do my programming, do my podcasts and my books and my coaching and show up how I do. But I just want to tap people on the shoulder and just like, did you know that there's just all these other opportunities for you, or you can do something else?

[00:33:39] Alanna: It's really hard when you are watching someone who isn't reaching their full potential. And that's regardless of gender or station or anything like that. When someone is resting on their laurels and not maximizing what they have available to create or manifest in this life, that can be painful.

[00:33:57] I definitely understand that. Especially when they're capable of it and they're simply just not doing it, I get it. And I think the other piece of that, at least for me, is we live in a really interesting time. And I would like to, if I can impose, on any woman listening, regardless of status station, where you are, what your circumstances are, you have a tremendous responsibility.

[00:34:26] I'm so sorry. I didn't saddle you with this. The world has saddled us with this. We are all saddled with this. But we live in this time. We have this incredible opportunity, and I do think it is our responsibility to help not only ourselves, but women after us step into a place of greater empowerment, greater value. And we can all do that in different ways.

[00:34:50] We can all do that in different ways. And if we're the kind of woman who is fully supported financially, maybe there's ways that we can do it with the women in our community. If we're not fully supported financially, maybe there's a way we could do it with women in our family. There's all sorts of different creative ways, and I think that all of us in our own spaces have ways to be satisfied.

[00:35:09] Because one thing that I do know after writing this book and all this research is that the path to success for the masculine has a pretty well trodden road. We all know what that looks like. There's lots of examples. For women, we don't know what that looks like. There aren't a lot of examples because we're basically 20 years, maybe, maybe, into these opportunities.

[00:35:33] We're maybe a few years into all of this agency and choices and recognition that women actually are of value, that we do have a voice, that we are important. So we have to start creating what success looks like for us. And because women are so unique and individual, our prerogative is always change our mind, it's going to look different for each of us.

[00:35:53] So satisfaction for one woman might be staying at home with her family. Satisfaction for another woman might actually not be having a family at all. It's not a cookie cutter thing. Satisfaction might be working your butt off as an entrepreneur. Satisfaction might be having a career where you're working for other people.

[00:36:15] So there isn't one linear pathway, but there is a feeling. We will all share a feeling, and we will all be satisfied when we feel the pleasure of the fulfillment of our wishes and needs. So I need us talking about what those needs are, what those wishes are, showing each other how we are fulfilling them, how we get help fulfilling them, and the pleasure we feel as we do get this satisfaction. That's going to help us pave a greater pathway forward for women everywhere.

[00:36:45] Kate: Hmm. I love that. And thanks because I was going to ask you how you would describe a satisfied woman. And it is individual and. We need to really hone what that is and harness it. And I want to get into that in one second.

[00:36:59] But because our culture and society, especially different depending on where you live in the world, but as an author and journalist, I always get downloads, quotes or sound bites or something in my head.

[00:37:09] Alanna: I can see them coming in.

[00:37:10] Kate: I know. But I'm them. And you talk and I'm like, "That's why I love talking to people." I'm like, "Ooh, I'm getting so many ding, ding, ding." But something I got that I even wanted to put on social media, like a meme or something, it's, as a woman, for instance, and you announce, I'm getting married and everyone across the board, congratulations, and here's some gifts, and let me throw you a party.

[00:37:29] I'm pregnant. I'm having a baby. Congratulations. Here's some gifts. Let me throw you a party. I'm an entrepreneur and I'm launching a new product or service. Good luck. There's a rare even congratulations, and there's no gifts or let me throw you a party. People have just said to me, oh, good luck with that.

[00:37:50] And I think the next time someone tells me they're pregnant, I'm going, can you imagine if I said good luck with that? Alanna, you're like, Kate, "I just met my dream partner. I'm going to get married." Good luck with that, Alanna.

[00:38:04] Alanna: Yeah, I echo your experience and your frustration with it. I had an interesting thing happen back in 2015. I received my PhD--

[00:38:16] Kate: Congratulations.

[00:38:17] Alanna: Two days before I got engaged. So I had a two-day window between these two very large life events, and I posted about each on social media. Guess what happened? PhD got hundreds of likes and comments. I was like, "Oh my God, everybody's so excited. I'm a doctor now." Then I get engaged to a man that really nobody on my social media had ever even met, thousands of likes and comments.

[00:38:47] And it was reflected the other day. I'm a huge fan of country music, hence my little bandana here. And I love Lainey Wilson. She's one of the most accomplished lady female singers right now. I just think she's amazing. She's won Grammys. She's won awards. She's taking the country music world by storm, which is notoriously a male-dominated industry.

[00:39:14] And the most liked post came just the other day when she got engaged. Not when she won the Grammy, not when she did all of these other things. And I'm like, here we go again. Look, I get it. Everybody gets excited about true love. And maybe that's it. If we wanted to simplify it, maybe people are just excited about true love.

[00:39:35] I don't actually know what the response is when a man, let's say he posted about his promotion versus getting engaged. I don't know if it's equal. But I sure would love for the world to appreciate the success and hard work of women as much as their relationships success because both are very hard work, honestly.

[00:39:56] Kate: Yeah. And for me, the message I get from my inner work is to then just double down on my activism, double down on validating myself. And I am finding, through my healing journey, that when I get up and do a speech now, for instance, I know when I nail it, and I'm like, "Wow." And it's a simple inner where when I go backstage or go sit back in the audience or see people after, I don't need anyone to tell me that was amazing or what they liked about it or how I changed their life.

[00:40:27] And if you get that, it's great. But I think people can feel that for me too, like, okay, she is own owning her power and she knows she's amazing and knows she's amazing at that. But I think back to a time where I needed you, if you were in my speaking cohort or if you were in the-- I needed you to reflect back that I did a good job.

[00:40:47] So I notice these things now, Alanna, and then I think the impact that you make in the world speaks for itself because most marriages are not going to change the world and most sadly end in divorce anyway.

[00:41:03] Alanna: That's a good point actually.

[00:41:04] Kate: But when you think of, you could do one podcast episode, one speech, meet with one client, I think of what specialists I've worked with have done for me in one hour that has dramatically my life. So I think whoever's listening, that's your please keep going because even if you change one life, it's worth it and your marriage is probably not going to change any lives.

[00:41:26] And this is not against marriage, and I feel my hubby coming in soon and I can't wait to marry him. And I'm only ready to get married, and I'm not young because I wanted to be this fully embodied woman when I got married and I wanted to be able to stand on my own two feet.

[00:41:45] And I have a lot of people now who say to me they'd like to get divorced, but they say, I don't make enough money to-- and I always just think how proud I am of myself that I don't have to be stuck in any situation. So my situation has come with a lot of challenges, but also that's very rewarding.

[00:42:04] Alanna: And it's a very new problem. Think about that. Like I said, we're maybe 10, 20 years, I think that's even generous, into this kind of issue, Kate. 30, 40 years ago, in order to buy a house, you needed a man. Women couldn't even have their own mortgages. So it was a very real issue and a very indoctrinated understanding for women that social success, financial success, any kind of stability, security, required a marriage, a partnership.

[00:42:37] That's the only way you made it work. So I want to affirm and validate the fears of women who have been in those circumstances and been through that narrative and been through those things. I was raised by a single mother who very much was at disadvantage as soon as she was on her own.

[00:42:56] So the fact that you and I can be individuals, make our own way, have our own homes, have our own bank accounts, have our own businesses, no one's really ever done this on mass before. So it's creating new opportunities, but it's also creating new challenges.

[00:43:14] Because what I'm finding with the women that I work with is that a lot of them get to-- again, we're not announcing our age, but let's say whatever age we might be floating around. And they realize that they have muscled their way through life in this incredibly individual way. And yes, girl, I am proud of us 100%. I honor all of that work, but unfortunately these bodies come with timing.

[00:43:42] And there are many women who were told, do it all yourself, be the individual, pursue the career, pursue the success. And they did. And they got to a stage in their life that they were suddenly opted out of starting a family, which was also a deep desire for them. But putting on the back burner the career, the success, the doing it yourself, the making your own way, the being your own woman, the standing on your own two feet, that was centered as being so important in their earlier young adult years that they just decided or thought they'd have all the time in the world to get the rest of it done. And unfortunately, as women, we don't. Men do. Men have all the time in the world to get those things done. If they want to start a family later in life, no problem. If they want to start a career later in life--

[00:44:29] Kate: [Inaudible] 75 having kids.

[00:44:30] Alanna: Yeah. Their bodies don't opt them out of life choices that may actually be important for them. So we have this really interesting tension in juxtaposition as women because we have these unfortunate biological clocks that just exist. Thank goodness for modern medicine and technology. We can push it a little bit, but only so far.

[00:44:55] So I think it's important for all women to be able to stand on their own two feet and to not have the fear that another human is required for safety. I get that. And I also know that we, as humans, are relational beings. And relationality is really at the core of the greatest spiritual growth that we'll ever have, the greatest personal transformation.

[00:45:18] You can only take yourself so far. The mirror of an intimate relationship is actually very important for completing your own personal growth. As psychologists, we say you are wounded in relationship in your early childhood and you are healed in relationship as an adult and specifically with your intimate partner.

[00:45:41] So I spent many years as a young teenage girl with my mom who had been divorced from my father, and let me tell you something. That went badly, and she completely, understandably so, and like many, many women basically decided to swear off men. She didn't need them. She didn't want them. She did not want a relationship.

[00:46:05] And I very much grew up with that narrative. I don't need a man. I don't need a relationship, swearing it off. And I remember going through life that way. Again, remember my last name Kaivalya means alone. Boy, I powered through it on my own. And I was in a spiritual career. I was eyeballs deep in yoga for decades.

[00:46:25] And I remember looking at myself in the mirror at one point in my bedroom in New York City and looking at myself. I was meditating twice a day. I was going laying in beds of crystals. Girl, I was doing everything. And I looked myself in the mirror and I said to myself, Alanna, you've taken yourself as far as you can go.

[00:46:42] You are going to need that mirror. So I don't want the idea that we have to do it all ourselves, which is an incredible accomplishment. And boy, are we lucky that we can? To get in the way of something magical like partnership and intimacy, that could also be very supportive for us as women.

[00:47:01] Kate: Yeah. And what I'm hearing and what you're giving me right now in this moment is this gift of compassion for myself, for you, for everyone, however you identify, male, female, masculine, feminine, a combination of all of it. Because regardless of your circumstances, everyone's got something. And like you said and I've said, we all have childhood trauma too.

[00:47:23] And even being raised by the people with the best of intentions, they had their own wounds. And I just feel like everyone is navigating so much. But that's why these conversations are so important. So I might even say something that somebody doesn't like or vice versa and we can all just, but why did what Kate said just upset me so much?

[00:47:44] And so then that's their work and that's their journey. Or something you said may have incited compassion or joy, but also fear or anxiety or whatever. But then we get to look at that and just talk openly about these things because there's no right or wrong way. We all have different circumstances, and I want to just give humanity a hug.

[00:48:03] And that's why I created this show. I feel like every day, week, month, year, it's like you think-- my coach will always say to me, find peace where you are now. And I'll be in that moment. I found the peace and then the ceiling starts leaking because there's a historic storm or whatever is going on.

[00:48:19] And so there's these disruptions and distractions and I want to acknowledge everyone really doing the best that they can. But there are tools. There are resources. And I think I get frustrated sometimes with people that I love and want the best for because with all the great people and books and doctors and things to do out there to better ourselves, people aren't choosing that.

[00:48:40] And I think that's a lesson too, and maybe that is part of the satisfied woman, I'll get your thoughts on it, is being okay with people not choosing what's going to be best for them or being okay with women making choices that, in my opinion, take the women's movement back several years. I can choose and I can lead the way.

[00:49:03] And sometimes it does feel overwhelming and exhausting. And then it's like, all right, we need to take a break here or call someone like you and have you on the show or call a friend. And I think just get back in touch and connect with ourselves and each other. And the connection is what feels so feminine and so satisfying to me as a woman.

[00:49:21] Alanna: Absolutely. Yeah. I think connection, collaboration, community is at the heart of femininity. And one of the things I'm most excited about living in this time and place is the fact that as a woman, I do get to choose. I get to choose. My grandmother didn't have that choice. I dedicated my book to her and for specifically that reason.

[00:49:45] She lived through a time where she had no agency to get me here to a time where I have so much of my own. Look, did you ever read the Harry Potter series or watch the movies?

[00:50:00] Kate: Part of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:50:02] Alanna: So I'm a mythologist. That's my degree. I love myth. I love stories. I do love Harry Potter. I like the idea of muggles. The wizards live in the world with muggles. And it's really the muggle's world. They have to navigate it.

[00:50:17] And they, to some extent, have to protect the muggles from the wizardry, but also they can make the muggle's world a little bit better. So when I run into someone who, yes, I can see they've got greater potential or potentially have greater potential, but they're not there yet, or they're not choosing it, I just think muggle.

[00:50:36] This is their world. We're going to do our best to make it better for them. And I also respect their power to choose that. Not everybody is ready to do the big work, the hard work. That's okay. I'd like to impress upon women everywhere that we have a lot of work to do, and it's all going to be individual, but I also understand if it's not time or you're not ready. And yeah, maybe it is just a big hug for humanity and a lot of compassion.

[00:51:00] Kate: Yes. What is a revelation that you had doing this work and writing this book that just transformed not just your mind, but your heart and your whole being where you feel, gosh, this version of Alanna is completely different than before I started this work?

[00:51:17] Alanna: I've been teaching about this for 20 years and studying it and writing about it, and I felt this intuitive call to write this book now at this time, to give everything that I am to this work. I gave up a lot to make this happen because I believe in it so heartily.

[00:51:41] And as soon as I did, and it all, of course, as it does, happened and unfolded in just a very short time, a matter of months, and as soon as I started diving in to put these thoughts and these words and these ideas on paper, I was hit with this tremendous responsibility, Kate.

[00:51:57] And I have something really powerful and important to say, and no matter how much it scares me, and no matter how much self-doubt I may feel some days, no matter how big the struggle becomes, I have to. So through this book, I feel like-- I've written other books too. They're great, but they never felt like mine.

[00:52:23] Kate: Ooh.

[00:52:26] Alanna: They never felt like mine because I was writing about yoga, which has its own legacy, and I just was a great interpreter of that work. And that's fun. This is mine. I did this. From the depths of my soul, I pulled this out and I wrote it down because I have such a deep belief in how badly women need to hear this right now and feel such a tremendous responsibility to get this work out there. So that's fundamentally changed me.

[00:52:54] Kate: Yeah, I can feel that. Thank you for sharing that. I could feel you at a retreat leading this group of women. And if you were sitting, cross-legged in front of another woman and you were looking her eyes and holding her hands, and she was a very unsatisfied woman, what would you look into her eyes and say to make her feel and embody being a satisfied woman?

[00:53:19] Alanna: The first thing I would do is hold her hand and say, "I've got you. I've got you." And then the next thing I would do is tell her, "Let's do this," as in together. I don't want any woman to be alone anymore. And I think that what we've lived through and the situations we find ourselves in, we feel very alone.

[00:53:40] And that really disempowers us. It goes against our very nature as feminine women to be alone and to not be in community. I think about the stories I've heard of tribal women who would spend their days working together in a circle on whatever it is that they were fixing or mending, or tending to, or crafting, or skinning, or tanning, or whatever they were doing. And they would bring their problems to each other.

[00:54:07] That's what they would do. They would talk and communicate. They would bring their problems to each other. And through that circle, through that community, that communion, you get better ideas. You have another woman in that circle who's been through a similar problem who could tell you what she did.

[00:54:22] You have another woman in that circle who's never been through that problem much younger than you, who's got an idea you've never thought of before. And it's in that community and collaboration that new ideas are generated, that you feel supported, that you feel connected, and that you belong. And that's how we're hardwired.

[00:54:38] And what's interesting is that women still do this. And in my research, all over the world, children, up until about the age of between three and five or so, they'll play together and they play the same way, regardless of culture, regardless of where they are in the world. From about the ages of three to five, they self-segregate into gender.

[00:55:01] Little boys go off and they play their war games or their strategy, little masculine tests and games and things. And the girls go off and they communicate. They run through scenarios of, hey, I'm going to have this problem. How would you fix it? And I'm going to have this scenario. How would you fix it?

[00:55:18] And then they make each other cry, and then they hug each other out. So we are, right from the get go, training ourselves for community, and we've lost that. So I would just tell her that she's not alone and let's do this together. And then whatever problem it is, we're going to figure it out.

[00:55:36] Kate: And we need more of this because it is in our culture, sadly, women in competition and pit against one another. And for me, it's been heartbreaking how many, I guess, fake friends or ex-friend or whomever that show their blatant non-support and you putting your heart and soul out there through a book or a show or whatever you're doing.

[00:55:57] And that has been really hard on me, candidly. And I've worked through it and I'm in a better place now. But I think especially because I'm such a champion for empowering everybody, I'm everybody's cheerleader. Again, I think it's a product of not having children. Everyone is my child, and I love to tell people, I'm so proud of you and keep going.

[00:56:13] And then just lead as a source of inspiration by overcoming and overcoming and never giving up. And people will acknowledge that, like, you are resilient, which I think is very feminine as well. So without even dwelling on that because it can get icky out there and I think sometimes then I get into like a judgy place, like, well, screw them. And that's not helpful either.

[00:56:33] So it is that to keep coming back home to ourselves and really being mindful of who we do have in our circle because I'm finding that the more I'm really a champion for myself, then I'm attracting different people into my life as well who are more a champion of me.

[00:56:50] Alanna: I like the idea that as women we should be adjusting each other's crowns. I always thought that was really a sweet notion. And we talk a lot about toxic masculinity in this culture, which I'm not a fan of the word toxic. Toxic, to me, indicate something poisonous that can't be fixed. I talk about them as distortion, that if you remove the distortion, you get back to the original root energy, which is always going to be positive and beneficial.

[00:57:14] There's also toxic femininity. And one of the toxic feminine attributes is this cutthroat competition idea, which is antithetical to community. If you remove that distortion, what you have is connection. So it's not helpful. It's diminishing all of us. It's devaluing all of us, and it's keeping all of us down.

[00:57:40] So yeah, a little public service announcement out here, ladies. There is no place, there is no place for cutting another woman down. There is not another woman on this planet that is your competition. We are all saddled with the same narrative and the same crap. We are all working in this uphill battle.

[00:57:57] We're all trying to climb the hill with 50 pounds already strapped to our backs. Let's just give each other some grace and cut each other some slack. We're all going to be happier for it.

[00:58:06] Kate: Yeah.

[00:58:07] Alanna: We're all going to be happier for it.

[00:58:09] Kate: In the moments where you feel unsatisfied for whatever reason, how do you bring yourself, or how do we bring ourselves back to that place of satisfaction? And if you could explain again what we mean by that in your answer, that would be helpful too. Because again, I think it doesn't even occur to us to be satisfied. It's like, what do you mean? You mean successful? You mean happy? What do you mean by that? And for how long do I have to stay satisfied? Because that sounds like a chore.

[00:58:37] Alanna: I get it. I get it. And I have a little funny story for you too. So I named the book very consciously. There's a seminal work in men's work from about 30 years ago called The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. And there's actually not a lot of books on women's work strangely.

[00:58:57] There's a lot of men doing men's work, really great men's work. There's men's communities. There's men's movements that are fantastic, helping to detoxify masculinity and empower them. And I love that. There's just not a lot on the female side. So in writing this book, I was like, "We need a counterpoint."

[00:59:12] When I read the definition of satisfaction, I knew that this was for us. So let me tell your listeners again. I said it earlier, but it bears repeating because it's so powerful. Satisfaction is the pleasure derived from the fulfillment of your wishes and needs.

[00:59:29] Now, everyone on the planet has to have their needs met. So that's a given. And I don't just mean your basic needs like a roof over your head and good food. I mean all of the things that are important to you that make life bearable, you've got to tend to them. Your wishes make it a bonus. That's what helps you create a legacy.

[00:59:45] That's what gives meaning to your life. And we all want meaning in our life. Fulfillment is an ongoing pathway. And one of the things that's truly feminine is not a finish line. It's a continuous, circular, ever evolving unfoldment of what it means for us to be alive and satisfied. We are comfortable with change.

[01:00:09] We are comfortable with the status quo shifting. We are comfortable with a different direction. Look at our lives. Look at our physical bodies. Look at the hormonal fluctuations we go through. We are inbuilt for change. We get it. So satisfaction is not an end goal.

[01:00:24] Kate: It's a feeling. It's a feeling that you cultivate every single day and a constant check-in of like, all right, what can help make me more satisfied today? How can I be more satisfied? The answer might be different from yesterday. The answer might be different tomorrow. And I want you satisfied in every level of your life.

[01:00:42] Alanna: And what's been astonishing to me is, from this book, I have a business, thesatisfiedwoman.com. And I can't get on Facebook. Yes. So as soon as I try to go on Facebook as the satisfied woman, I get shut down. Because what does the patriarchal narrative of Facebook think a satisfied woman is?

[01:01:03] Kate: Something sexual.

[01:01:04] Alanna: That's right. Because what's the only way a woman could possibly be satisfied?

[01:01:09] Kate: Which didn't I bring that up in the beginning? It's like when I think of a satisfied woman, I'm like, oh, I think sexually satisfied, and that no one really is. Wow.

[01:01:16] Alanna: Because again, we're working with this narrative that the only way to please a woman is through sexual pleasure. And so that must be what I'm talking about and must be what I'm writing about now. Look, girl, I 100% want you sexually satisfied. That's 100%. But I also want you satisfied financially, emotionally, physically, relationally, spiritually, all of it. It's not limited. So yeah, I ain't on Facebook because Facebook thinks I'm selling sex.

[01:01:47] Kate: Wow.

[01:01:47] Alanna: I'm like, "That is so perfect for my course."

[01:01:51] Kate: Wow. I'm so glad you shared that. That right there says so much in itself.

[01:01:58] Alanna: It galvanizes me even more to want to do this work.

[01:02:03] Kate: Wow. Let's shut that down. Or even if it is, even if the platform is about sexual satisfaction for a woman, let's shut that down too. Like, how dare they?

[01:02:12] Alanna: Because a satisfied woman is truly dangerous. A satisfied woman has agency. A satisfied woman knows what she wants and likes. A satisfied woman is fierce. A satisfied woman isn't afraid to connect to her emotions. A satisfied woman isn't afraid to follow her intuition, even when it doesn't make sense.

[01:02:31] A satisfied woman has people who love her and cherish her. A satisfied woman does not do everything for everyone else. And a satisfied woman allows for the masculine counterparts around her to help, to contribute. A satisfied woman isn't doing everything for everybody. So does the world really want us to be satisfied? Probably not. And me as a lady, I'm like, you know what, you guys? Let me show you.

[01:02:59] Kate: Yeah. It feels rebellious.

[01:03:01] Alanna: Let me show you.

[01:03:02] Kate: For me, because I've never thought of it this way, so thank you for this work. I'm going to start taking note. Even I can imagine myself in my nature walk later today. And it's just that moment of just in awe of the gorgeous trees and the sunlight and there's 100 of the cutest dogs you'll ever see.

[01:03:21] And they're so happy and the joy on their faces. So be like, this is a satisfied woman walking around this park. And I think just taking more notice, that was a very unsatisfying moment with that interaction. And I think too, again, something I'm still really grappling with is I want this so badly for everyone, Alanna, and not everyone wants it.

[01:03:46] Even the person you've known for a long time who rather than being so happy for your success is pissed about it because they feel that some way diminishes their lack of success in their mind, for instance. Or people judging where they are in life versus where you are or whatever it is.

[01:04:06] And so I think, I'm going to have to say, I am a satisfied woman when I am wanting the best for everybody, leading by example, but not forcing it upon anyone. And being okay not being liked, and being okay that they're never going to-- maybe being a satisfied woman is not their goal. Maybe they find great pleasure in being pissed. I don't know.

[01:04:32] Alanna: I'm sure that they don't. Just throwing it out there, I don't think the unhappy people are thrilled about that, but they might not know any other way. It's certainly not our job to force them, but they're not going to know any other way unless we show them. That's the gift of being a luminary.

[01:04:52] That's the gift of being a hero or a heroine. Look, as a mythological PhD here, I love stories and heroes and heroines of stories, and they are what inspire people. And they inspire people because they've gone through the story. They've gone through the arc. They've gotten to some finish line that others go, "Oh wow, I'm interested in that."

[01:05:15] And whether they get to their own finish line or not, if they're inspired, that's half the battle. But yeah, satisfaction is a feeling. It's a feeling. It's not a key performance indicator. It's not a KPI. It's not a benchmark. It's not a bottom line. Satisfaction isn't the amount of commas you have in your bank.

[01:05:33] Satisfaction isn't the amount of kids you have or don't have, the car you drive or don't drive. Satisfaction is a feeling. And girl, lady, women, all of y'all listening, you can have exactly what you want. And it does not have to look like anything society has told you it supposed to look like. I don't care if you choose to have a partner or not.

[01:06:00] I don't care if you choose to stay at home or go to work. I don't care if you choose to drive or ride your bike. It doesn't matter. What matters to me is that whatever you're choosing, number one, that you get to. You get to choose. Thank goodness we live in a time where choice is possible. And number two, that it brings you satisfaction on your terms, not theirs-- your terms.

[01:06:25] Kate: If you're listening and not watching on YouTube, my eyes are closed. My palms are clenched because I just soaked in. I took in every word she said to my heart. Satisfaction is a feel-- I love what you just said. I love when people say something in a sentence or two that just, the end. I got nothing else.

[01:06:45] I get it. And sometimes I have to ask a few times because we all understand and learn differently. And I think I had to ask a few times and make you repeat yourself because even if we are smart, it's like we've heard the opposite so many times and I'm like, "Keep saying it." I just want everyone to listen to even those few sentences again and again and again.

[01:07:06] I still have my eyes closed because I am just taking it in. I love when I am presented with a new way of not just thinking, but feeling and being. This is what changes the world. These are the conversations that move the needle. Thank you.

[01:07:20] Alanna: You're welcome. Look, it's counter-cultural. It's counter-cultural, and it's counterintuitive. And it is against the narrative of what we've been taught, and that's okay because this world was not built for us. This narrative that we were saddled with did not have us in mind.

[01:07:39] It didn't have women's wants and needs in mind, Kate. But satisfaction is always going to have our wishes and needs in mind because it cannot be any other way. That is the definition of satisfaction. So that's why I hinge the entire work on this word. Because it's ever evolving and so are women.

[01:07:59] Because it's ever changing and so are women. Because it's based in feeling and so are women. Because it's rooted in pleasure and no one does pleasure like the feminine. You want to see the world light up? You light up a feminine woman with a feeling of pleasure.

[01:08:19] Kate: Oh man.

[01:08:20] Alanna: Brings the whole world joy.

[01:08:21] Kate: I'm savoring it. Sorry, what came to mind for me was just, I had a really good cupcake yesterday, and even that feeling of just savoring something delicious and satisfying, even again, the world tells me that was really bad for me and probably had some chemicals in it, but gosh, it was so good. I shared it with my stylist I've known 25 years.

[01:08:39] Alanna: Wow. Generous.

[01:08:41] Kate: It's just these moments of, you're really inspiring me to just savor more, savor these conversations, savor that delicious food that we love, savor the connection we have with ourselves or another, savor the smiling dog at the park and the sunshine. And that satisfaction is a feeling. It's rare that I have just a sentence that can completely transform my being and get me into this state that you've put me in right now.

[01:09:09] And that's my hope for everybody because it just shows that that's all it takes sometimes, is one sentence, one person, one conversation, one person acknowledging you, one person showing up for you. It really is more simple in that we have access to it a lot more frequently than we think we do.

[01:09:29] Alanna: Kate, it takes less than everyone listening thinks. And I really want to drive that home because part of our trap is that we've been told we have to continuously do more.

[01:09:41] Kate: Yes.

[01:09:42] Alanna: And I promise you, satisfaction is not found in doing more, in overdoing, in draining yourself, in overachieving. That is not where satisfaction is found. And the world is going to tell you that it is, but that's another way to keep you diminished and devalued and on your back foot and exhausted and burnt out.

[01:10:05] And that's a great way to keep you under control. But I promise that doing less, the saying no, it does not take much to be satisfied. Takes your wishes and needs being met. And for God's sakes, we all deserve that.

[01:10:24] Kate: And I think going around and just saying, or someone's like, "How are you doing today? I'm feeling really satisfied." I think starting that language. Oh, what do you mean? I just feel really grateful. I had some food for breakfast and I got to talk to my colleague, Alanna, about her incredible new book, and I get to teach other people to be more satisfied and how simple it is.

[01:10:47] And it can cost no money even, and we have access to it. I feel transformed over this past hour. And even those moments, I had a frustration or judgy or some annoying thing I brought up that I wanted your perspective on, that all just has really transmuted into ground, into Mother Earth, into my throat chakra of just, I just feel satisfied and don't need-- I didn't win a million dollars this past hour, but I love this new reframing, and you really gave me and my listeners a gift here. Thank you so much.

[01:11:28] Alanna: It's my pleasure. My great pleasure.

[01:11:31] Kate: I just would love for you, even a final thought here, anything that came through for you in our time together that you want to leave us with. Because I do feel a sense of deep peace and relaxation and satisfaction. And it's like, that is enough. And my consumerism just went out the window. Thank you.

[01:11:52] Alanna: What would I leave listeners with? The thing that's coming to me is that they all deserve satisfaction. They're worthy of it. I think we've talked a lot about how there's a cultural and external narrative and these other people that we're not fighting against or competing against.

[01:12:12] And so maybe I just want to leave with that internal peace, that no matter what you've been told and no matter how you've grown up, and no matter what circumstances you find yourself in right now, that to be a satisfied woman truly is your birthright. It's not as hard as you think, even though I get it. Being a woman is hard or choices are never easy, but you deserve it. You're worth it. And from one woman to another, I deeply desire that for you.

[01:12:44] Kate: Thank you so much. Thank you for your time. Thank you for your gorgeous book, The Way of the Satisfied Woman: Reclaiming-- wow, I'm even seeing that word differently now-- Reclaiming Feminine Power. It's available everywhere you buy books. Please check it out. Makes a great gift. I think what a great gift to give to a girlfriend or a sister or a mom and celebrate each other.

[01:13:07] And I think this is even a simple gift of satisfaction. And then you can read it together, you can talk about it, and we start having these types of conversations rather than the, ain't it awful? They're coming for us. It's like, no, we get to reclaim our power and we get to choose and decide, like you said. So thank you for that gift.

[01:13:25] Alanna: We are the change makers. This is where it begins, Kate.

[01:13:28] Kate: Thank you so much for being here.

[01:13:30] Alanna: My pleasure. Thank you for having me.

[01:13:32] Kate: Thank you. And thanks to all of you, especially satisfying us here to the end with your presence. We appreciate you being here, and we'll see you next time right back here on Rawish. Have a great day, everybody. Stay satisfied. Bye-bye.